Wednesday, July 30, 2014

10 Things I Love About Jersey Shore Shark Attack


Shark Week is coming. Matter of fact, a friggin' Sharknado is scheduled to touch down tonight, on SyFy Channel. Luckily, this time it's New York City that will be infiltrated by sharks, but rewind only a couple of summers and it was the Jersey Shore that was overrun by sharks in glorious Sy-Fy style. It was blood spattered, B-Movie bliss!

Preppy rich folk are trying to build a beach club spa and undersea drilling from the project winds up attracting a very rare species of CGI albino bull sharks, the natural non-tanned well known enemy of the shore faring orange gorilla guido. A Jersey Shore Shark Attack of epic proportions ensues.

While MTV's Jersey Shore is a distant memory to many of us, clearly its impact still lingers. Jersey Shore was in its final season when Jersey Shore Shark Attack aired on SyFy Channel in the summer of 2012. Similar in spirit to 2010's Piranha 3-D, another film with Jersey connections, JSSA garnered a better than expected 3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and 25% liked it on Rotten Tomatoes.

The title is a bit misleading because the movie has nothing to do with the actual shark attacks that happened along the Jersey Shore in 1916. If it bums you out and you were geared up for some historical progressive era carnage, you are S.O.L. there, but you're in luck here because I've compiled 10 things I love about this movie. Here we go!


10. No actors from New Jersey appear in this production. This is not surprising. The closest we get is Staten Island's Jeremy Luke who plays "The Complication" and sort of looks like a white Tracy Morgan. Staten Island is so close to New Jersey that it's apparent why he was also cast in other Jersey related films like Don Jon and Jersey Boys. This guy is likable on screen and he's definitely going to become a familiar face. You'll enjoy his performance more than watching the real Situation.


9. Guy fishing in a canoe smoking a cigar catches a...New Jersey Turnpike sign. This sign is so iconic to me that it's been part of my site logo for nearly 10 years. That wasn't the only surprise this guy got, he caught the severed head of a guidette! Pulling body parts out of the water in Jersey is a weekly occurrence here, they aren't embellishing.


8. Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) plays boardwalk Tiki bar proprietor, Captain Sallie. Although he was born in Brooklyn, Sirico will always be associated with New Jersey thanks to The Sopranos.


7. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. With Super Soakers.

6. The Warriors reference. "Preppies come out and pla--ay!" The Preppies think the Guidos are trash but they both have to grudgingly team up in this film. Ugh, how excruciating.


5. Jack Scalia rules. He's like a Shakespearean actor. Who needs Anthony Hopkins when we have friggin' J.Scal? My mom had one of those hunky pictures of him on our fridge in the '80s so there's that. Oh, and there was also one on the inside of our coffee mug cabinet.


4. Luring sharks with Protein bars, they might be onto something.

BJ: 
"You really think you're gonna attract sharks with protein bars?" 

DONNIE: 
"Nothing's gonna resist 25 grams of power packed peanut butter crunch!"
(he delivers this line like a pro-wrestler cutting a promo!)


3. Italian Stereotypes to the MAX er, um the MASSIMO! Bocce Ball! Grappa! Sopressata! Surprisingly, I don't think there was one mention of a cannoli.

"Ya got 10 miles of beautiful white sandy beaches, blue sky, and what do you have to show for it? Wet T-shirt contests and funnel cake..."

2. ATHERTON! The brilliant William Atherton will help you'll get a feel for the other side of the Jersey shore, the one that that you don't often see depicted on TV - the yuppie rich folks who own yachts and mansions right on the beach. They wear boat shoes. You know them. Guidos don't seem so annoying in comparison right? Atherton is the big pretentious a-hole from that crew, similar to Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. This time, instead of turning off the protection grid like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, he's activating undersea drills that attract killer sharks in order to build his beach club.


1. Thank you Captain Obvious! This movie over-explains everything and I love every utterance. After a shark launched into the air and swallowed N'Sync's "legendary" Joey Fatone whole, the actual Vinny from Jersey Shore yells "Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!" Or, how about the classic "Help me my foot is stuck," when Nooki's (knockoff Snooki) foot was stuck. Riveting! In the end, there's even a celebratory fist pumping "Guido" chant to remind viewers that these guys are supposed to be guidos.

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Immortal Hulk Hogan Comes to Freehold, NJ!


Hulk Hogan UNCUT is a special event coming to iPlay America in Freehold on Saturday, August 2nd, 2014.

New Jersey has had it's share of Hulk Hogan moments, but this one will give fans a rare opportunity to be a part of a Q&A with the Hulkster as well as a meet and greet. I would've found out about this one too late if it weren't for my sister shooting me a text about it. So, thanks to the Sexy Armpit's sister, BROTHER! See what I did there?

For a guy who grew up a little Hulkamaniac, I'm pretty pumped to be a part of this intimate event with one of the greatest and most charismatic professional wrestlers of all time, WWE Hall of Famer, Hulk Hogan.

I checked iPlay America out back in the fall with Dinosaur Dracula and although we only had the chance to play a few games, this place is like an Atlantic City casino, minus the actual gambling and cigarette smoke. There's video games, rides, food and live events all within such a cool atmosphere. In the few years it's been open, iPlay has quickly become a destination for concerts, comedy, UFC events, and other celebrity appearances.

General admission tickets for HH Uncut as well as two different tiers of VIP tickets are available now at the following link: http://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/617157?utm_medium=bks


Go here for the iPlay America Hulk Hogan UNCUT event page

iPlay America Event Center
110 Schanck Road
Freehold, NJ

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

WIN Tickets for Barnstorming The Bowery in NYC!


Barnstorming the Bowery is not just a concert, it's really more of a music festival taking place on August 21st and it's sure to be equally as entertaining as the name sounds. This jam packed night of music spawned from an innovative idea pulling together 7 local bands to make up one mammoth night in downtown New York City! On deck for this rock and roll party: The Dirty Pearls, Ten Ton Mojo, Mother, Killcode, J and the 9s, The Liza Colby Sound, and The Threads!

*What makes this show different? A lottery will take place throughout the night to determine the lineup of bands taking the stage! That's some exciting shit right there! Who's on first? I'm on the edge of my seat already! This approach adds an element of intrigue that you won't get at any other concert!

This summer, why waste your time taking your significant other to the boardwalk to play a silly wheel game just to win a giant box of gum that'll just lose its flavor in under a minute? Take your shot at winning tickets to Barnstorming the Bowery - right here...NOW!

WIN 2 tickets to see this massive merger of bands right here from The Sexy Armpit!

Contest Rules: 

All you have to do is correctly match each band to their song! It's that simple. Send your answers to sexyarmpit@comcast.net and include your full name and the subject BOWERY. All correct answers will be pooled and a winner will be chosen at random. Winner will be notified by e-mail. Contest ends on 8/1 so get those answers in!

For more info and to purchase tickets head over to Ticketmaster:

August 21, 2014
Doors open at 7PM, show starts at 8PM
The Bowery Ballroom
6 Delancy St.
New York, NY

Friday, July 18, 2014

CM Punk Rescued at Jersey Shore: A Sexy Armpit News Brief




If the wrestling news and rumor sites are accurate, it's been reported that CM Punk is now officially a "former WWE Superstar." I still have a slight amount of hope that it's all part of storyline though. Whether Punk ever returns to the ring or not, he still deserves a vacation. His woman, WWE Diva AJ Lee, begged him to go to Wildwood this summer, and becoming a softy in his old age, Punk gave in. Ordinarily he wouldn't be caught dead in Jersey, but the irony is that he WAS almost caught dead there. Watch the Sexy Armpit news brief above for all the details on this near fatal occurrence. Later in the news brief is a video montage of The Sexy Armpit and Dinosaur Dracula's trip to the Wildwood boardwalk! Music by The Brigantines. See them live playing shows this summer! Listen to a Free track at their official site: www.thebrigantines.com

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 114: Enzo Amore Ain't SAWFT!


Upon his debut in 2013, NXT Superstar, "The Certified G" Enzo Amore, made a big impression on me not only because he exploits his Jerseyness, but also because he's a natural showman. He's so savvy on the mic that he sounds like he's been in the business longer than a lot of the guys on the main WWE roster. After recovering from a broken leg, Amore returned to the NXT ring in late June 2014.

At first, it's easy to think that he's simply a caricature of an obnoxious jersey shore loudmouth, but Amore does it with a lot more style and pizzazz. His knack for comedy, gift of gab, and on-screen antics lead to many amusing bits with his friend and tag team partner Colin Cassady. Referring to themselves as the realest guys in the room, this duo makes me laugh and they've definitely won over the NXT crowd as well.

Amore a.k.a Eric Arndt, was born in Hackensack and attended Waldwick High School while Cassady hails from Queens, New York. These guys have known each other since high school and it translates to their presence on NXT. Their impact on the NXT universe has warranted their first official t-shirt which is a sure sign that Amore and Cassady have already scored a pretty decent degree of success in the wrestling business.

Although, one thing makes me scratch my head a bit about this tee. Since I do own this shirt, as a fan I'll be wearing it and essentially calling myself SAWFT. That's a derogatory term that Amore often calls his opponents. I'm going to stop questioning it and just be thankful that Amore and his shtick is making it in the business. Forget headed for the main roster, that's a no-brainer, this guy could eventually become a WWE legend.

Straight from the WWE Shop Zone T-shirt description:
Dubbing himself "Jersey's finest," Enzo Amore reps the Garden State "like 225 on a barbell, 10 pounds of hair gel, steadily working on his swell." The realest guy in the room everywhere he goes, Enzo Amore is a straight shooter. He speaks his mind at all times and at an incredible rate.

Enzo Amore's official WWE.com Bio:


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