The Sexy Armpit's BEST posts of 2007

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays! I'm back from a fairly long hiatus from blogging. I can't say it was a nice restful break either because the holidays usually stress me out. The traffic and people's shitty attitudes really piss me off, but heck...they're over! Now that it's the last day of 2007, I figured I'd throw up a list of what I consider THE SEXY ARMPIT'S BEST OF 2007 as voted by Scarlett Johannson....nah shit I wish! As voted by ME! Thank you for reading and commenting. Happy New Year! There's way more to come in '08 and I look forward to putting up some of the most whacked out stuff yet. And now heeeere's my top 10 posts of '07.


10. Questionable Best Buy Ad - this is one of the "Must Read" posts from this site. Even if you don't find it funny it really shows how ridiculous store ads sometimes are.

9. The Joe Francis Complex - tormented at the crack of dawn by hot naked girls willing to show it all for a GGW t-shirt. I'm not trying to go to work or anything...

8. Night Walk - a long, but inspired account of thoughts running through my head during a walk through town at night.

7. Too Hard on the Two Coreys - in defense of the '80s duo.

6. Knockoffs in Disguise - A sorry excuse for a Transformer.

5. CRUSH! A Sexy Armpit tribute - dedicated to the late pro wrestler Crush.

4. Illustrious Art found at Hooters? - It wasn't a Picasso, I can tell you that much.

3. Tomes and Talismans - Turned out to be one of the most popular posts on this blog.

2. Getting High With Mr. Sketch - My love letter to scents.

1. Janine, She's My Queen! - A risque love poem to fine ass Janine Melnitz.

Gross Observations #2: Holiday Edition '07

Why is it that only kids from 1 to 92 get the simple phrase ? What about the rest of them? Do they get a more complex phrase?

What’s all this talk of lighting up trees?

I'm awarding the late, great Karen Carpenter with a Golden Armpit Award for coining the word "Christmasing" in The Carpenter's Merry Christmas Darling. Heck, even if she didn't coin it, she still won for best use of the word.

Why is it that Christmas cards are so important? They could make you or break you! If you don’t buy a certain person in your family a nice enough card they’ll totally trash you.

The best part of the cold weather is going outside and getting that first whiff of neighbors using their fireplace. It's such a great smell.

I wonder how the gay community feels this time of year about the fact that we're donning all their apparel?

In North Carolina, do they let Heaven and Nature Boy sing? Whoooo!

For some reason I have a fear that one of these days some "genius" Hollywood producer is going to greenlight a remake of Home Alone. Not a sequel...a remake. This will be an abominable mistake. The original is a classic and I still get a kick out of it 'til this day. Much like A Christmas Story it conjures up all those excellent feelings you got during the holidays when you're a kid.

Why do we write "Xmas" with an X? Wouldn't that be Crossmas? Maybe even "Multiplied By-mas" It has nothing to do with the number 10 and it's definitely not "Mark the Spotmas" Who came up with that one?

Wasn't Last Christmas a much different song when you heard it for the first time AFTER you found out that George Michael was gay? And who is the moron who let Ashley Tisdale murder that song? Holy Crap! William Hung would've done a better job!

Forgive me if it sounds perverse but 8 maids a milking actually sounds kinda hot. How that gift was not opened earlier than the 8th day is beyond me. I'm hoping that on the 9th day I get a digi-cam to record that shit. You Tube here I come!

One year I saw mommy kissing Tiny Tim. It wasn't the ill Cratchit boy though, it was actually Tiny Tim the '60s ukelele sensation. I'll never forget that Christmas.

How come no one has harped on the fact that there's a song that exists called "Back Door Santa"??

I realized the other day as I was completing a holiday purchase at a department store that I left the counter and said Merry Christmas! I don't give a fuck. Christmas seems to have become a non denominational holiday. So all of that PC crap we've been hearing about the past few years, like how you can't say Merry Christmas - that's all gone to shit. You can say it to anyone now. That's the rule...I just made it! Merry F--king Christmas!

Janine, She's My Queen! (rated R)

Come here Janine Melnitz
i want to feel your tits
people should know you're not a complete ditz
Ohh Janine, you're my queen
I wanna lick you clean
F--k Louis Tully he's a geek
he gets scared when he hears a door creak
what's with your thing for Egon?
you put the moves on him like Danielson

you can babysit me anytime
like our ghost friend I'll leave you covered in Slime
Ohh Janine, you’re my queen
we'll eat some french bread pizza and pass out
that's what i'm talkin' 'bout!
hey girl, there's no need to flirt
Come on and lift up that mini-skirt
on Myspace i'll post your pic
you know, the one where your mouth is filled with my ....

i'll give you extra time so you can put on your freak
The print is dead and it's all Greek
i'll bring you to your peak
Ohh Janine, you’re my queen

forget reading, you're my favorite hobby

I'll do you in a hotel or right in the firehouse lobby
you're so unusual like Cyndi
your hair looks like you were blasted with glue when it was windy
Instead of talking dirty I want you to yell “WE GOT ONE!”
And then I’ll shoot you with my proton gun

You were once played by Annie Potts
And you made me feel it right in my stugots
It’s a tough job filling that role
And sliding up and down my pole
You know the one made of brass
When you're at the top I stare at your ass
I’ll make my way to your clit
and I don't have a warrant or a writ
I hope to give u a thirty-five foot long, six hundred pound orgasm
And maybe even a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm

Trust me, I can stay puft for hours

Even longer than The Two Towers

Hey Janine, you got spunk…

…no…no, I mean literally you have spunk…on the side of your cheek
Sorry, my protection grid just sprung a leak
I know there is no Janine only Zuul
but my life is yours to rule
I’m very handy and I even play racquetball
So Janine, my queen, when you want a date...Who Ya Gonna Call?

Jay's Christmas Playlist 2007

In 2005, I decided to print a list of random songs I loved from my iTunes Christmas playlist. Though for some reason, last Christmas I didn't publish one. This year, I vow to go further into my vast iPod Christmas playlist. I realize that a ton of blogs actually feature their playlists with downloadable songs. Unfortunately, I won't do that for 2 reasons: 1) I'd rather not get my ass sued 2) I'm not that technically savvy. Christmas music brings me back in time and I love adding new tunes all year long. I love when I tell a person about a Christmas song that they didn't even know existed. So here's just another peek into what I'm listening to this holiday season. The 2005 Playlist is linked HERE. If there's any you'd like to add, feel free to leave a comment!

Christmastime is Here - Stone Temple Pilots

Oh Come All Ye Faithful - Twisted Sister

Happy Holidays - Andy Williams

Jingle Bell Rock .38 Special

Jingle Bell Rock - Tuff

Jingle Bell Rock - Nelson

Best Part of Christmas - American Angel

The Christmas Song - Johnny Mathis

12 Days of Christmas - Relient K

Christmas is the Time to say I love you - SR-71

Little Drummer Boy - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

If it Doesn't Snow For Christmas - Joe Pesci

Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Handsome Devil

Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Dokken!

Merry Frickin' Christmas - Frickin' A

White Christmas - The Drifters

I'll Be Stone For Christmas - Bob Rivers

Merry Christmas Baby - Pepe, from the Muppets

My Girlfriend (Forgot Me This Christmas) - The Click Five

We Need a Little Christmas - The New Christy Minstrels

Do You Hear What I Hear? - Carrie Underwood

Merry Christmas Darling - The Carpenters

Last Christmas- Butch Walker

Please Come Home For Christmas - Bon Jovi

Christmas Celebration - Weezer

Ave Maria - Chris Cornell

Click HERE to read Jay's 2005's Christmas Playlist