Best of The Sexy Armpit 2009

There were many amazing moments for The Sexy Armpit in 2009. I was able to cover events like The New York Comic-Con, the eXXXotica expo, The Perfect Age of Rock 'n' Roll, (an amazing film that I hope you will all be able to see very soon), as well as Rock of Ages, the only musical on Broadway worth seeing more than once. Moreover, possibly the most enduring effect that this blog has had on my life is meeting and starting friendships with a ton of awesome people who are not only in New Jersey, but literally all over the world. I know how risky it is becoming friends with a guy from Jersey, you wouldn't want to get caught up in any underworld riff raff, so as the Golden Girls theme song states, "Thank you for being a friend!"

I continued some of the recurring columns that I enjoy posting regularly, and I also premiered a couple of new ones too. To read the installments of my recurring columns, just click on the icons on the right sidebar. There's NJ's Great Pop Culture Moments, Nocturna Mission, NJ T-Shirt Tuesday, Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey, and the best of all... The Garden State Playmates!

There's no Dick here. No Carson Daly either. Just a Sexy Armpit wishing you a happy and healthy new year. The only ball dropping in New Jersey is watching the NY Giants and the NJ Nets drop the ball this season. I also want to thank each and every person who have visited this blog. Whether you're a fan and have read it extensively or just skimmed through a few posts out of curiosity, I appreciate it. As 2009 comes to an end, here's a list of the 25 best posts from 2009 as voted by me. These are the ones that are most worthy of reading if you haven't checked them out already.

Foreign Objects protruding from NJ

Google...You GOONIE!

The Sexy Armpit covers the New York Comic Con 2009! Part 1 and Part 2

eXXXotica 2009 at the NJ Expo Hall in Edison, NJ (with video)

Sucking Box: A Salute to Ssips!

F-ck Twilight, We've Got Cold Hearts!

The Perfect Age of Rock 'n' Roll Review

15 Bon Jovi Songs That Won't Turn You Into a Pussy

How I Discovered Music, Not by Clicking a Mouse

Believe it or Not: Criss Angel, Armpit Lover?

Gondry - Be Kind, Don't Ruin The Green Hornet!

Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-ray

Rock of Ages Melts Broadway's Face Off!

Bob the Goon: Jersey's Number One Guy!

WWE Summerslam 1989 at the Meadowlands Arena

The Beastie Boys: from White Castle to the Nile? Scratch that...New Jersey!

George Carlin: What am I Doing in New Jersey?

"Jay Spanking a Jersey Girl" by Bubba Shelby

Buried Treasure? X Marks the Spot in New Jersey

Real Ghostbustin' in Bayonne

Blue Milk and The Technicolor Twilight Zone

Yoo-hoo vs. Nesquik

Off My Chest: An Entry from the Journal of the Wicked Witch of the West

"May 1983," Written in English Class, 11th Grade

Schlatter Claus is Comin' to Town!

BEST POSTS OF 2008

Brittany Murphy is December's Garden State Playmate

The Sexy Armpit was extremely saddened by the recent death of actress Brittany Murphy. Although she was born in Georgia, she grew up in Edison, New Jersey. Murphy attended Herbert Hoover School in Edison, NJ and the Verne Fowler School of Dance in Colonia, NJ. At only 32 years old, Murphy was too young to die, but thankfully she left us with many memorable performances which may only receive the credit they deserve now that she's not with us anymore. Life is kind of f-cked up isn't it?

Many of us remember Brittany Murphy as Tai in 1995's Clueless, but prior to that she appeared in Drexell's Class, an episode of Parker Lewis Can't Lose, as well as an appearance on Kids Incorporated among many other shows. Standout performances in Don't Say a Word, 8 Mile, and Sin City finally helped garner Brittany Murphy some much deserved credit. You can say what you will about Just Married, but I saw it in the theater when it came out just based on her starring in it and I actually enjoyed it. She was dating her co-star Ashton Kutcher at the time and it definitely showed on screen. (Upon learning of her death, Kutcher tweeted "2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine..." and "see you on the other side kid.") Since then Murphy continued acting in addition to lending her voice to Happy Feet, King of the Hill, and Futurama.

If you happened to see Abby Elliot do an impression of her on Saturday Night Live about a week before she passed away, then you know that Murphy was one of a kind and quirky. In many of her roles, Murphy evoked an innocent, loveable quality similar to Drew Barrymore's demeanor while still being undeniably sexy. What's most disappointing about her death, is that she won't be able to celebrate the premiere of The Expendables, one of the most anticipated films of 2010, starring a who's who of action stars. If the film is a success, her stock in Hollywood may have went up.

Back in 2005, everyone I knew was buzzing about how Brittany Murphy came back to Edison for the tree lighting ceremony and was given the key to the town. The NJ.com article reporting her death also mentions this event.

Mike Bock's Toxic Avenger

The incomparable artist Mike Bock is actually one of us. According to his bio, his interests include MOTU, GI Joe, TMNT, Thundercats and Wrestling! Among the various He-Man and Thundercats pieces that he has done, his brilliant creative powers also discharged The Toxic Avenger, New Jersey's only Super Hero!

You can check out an extensive collection of Mike Bock's cartoonish creations 

at his Deviant Art site: http://mikebock.deviantart.com/

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 33: Springsteen Wrecks the Stadium

It's a good thing we've got Springsteen, because the New York Giants sure as hell didn't come through for us this season. Couldn't they have at least won their last game in Giants Stadium? And while I'm at it, are the G-Men really moving on to greener pastures? I'd say that playing in "The New Meadowlands Stadium" is a step down in comparison to having an entire stadium named after the Giants franchise for over 30 years. From now on, the Giants and Jets will have to share a stadium that's generically named so it won't offend Jets fans. Big Blue couldn't end it all on a high note? Nope, instead they let the Carolina Panthers trounce them. It's a good thing my woman got us tickets to see Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band put on the last concert ever in Giants Stadium back on October 9th, 2009.

Bruce Springsteen and The E-Street Band's final shows at Giants Stadium were commemorated with different variations of t-shirts that were available in honor of each night's show.

I feel that BRUUUCE bid the stadium proper adieu by bringing on his own "Wrecking Ball." If you were there, then you know how special the night was. Emotions ran high that night and Bruce was in great spirits. He uplifted the crowd in many ways, and the crowd even uplifted him when he randomly decided to stage dive. Nobody, not even the drunken buffoonery in Jersey would drop Bruce Springsteen. That's like dropping the Queen of effing England, if for some reason she happened to be stage diving. God might not save the Queen in that instance. The last night of Springsteen's concerts in Giants Stadium was more special than the previous shows because as far as concerts go, he's the main event there. The spectacular show was only weakened by the fact that the G-Men's new digs was only 50 feet away next door. But Bon Jovi can have the shiny new New Meadowlands Stadium. I prefer old, weathered, and worn in any day.

You can visit Bruce Springsteen's official online store and grab these tees while they are still available! (www.brucespringsteen.net)

How to Spend Your iTunes Gift Card if You're from New Jersey

Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas ($9.99) holiday/comedy - The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album was released in November '09 and it's already a Christmas classic on my iPod. Meatwad makes me laugh my ass off! Meat Navi-wad!!! Highly recommended if you're a fan of the Aqua Teen crew from South Jersey.

No Offense: Live From NJ - Jeffrey Ross ($9.99) comedy


Jersey Girls - Rye Coalition - also featuring other whimsical song titles such as "ZZ Topless" and "Speed Metal Tap Dancer." (only partial album available)

White Boys from New Jersey - Let the Listener Beware EP ($4.95) comedy

New Jersey Kings - Party to the Bus Stop ($8.91) funk/soul/jazz

The Jersey Devil is Here: Darren Deicide ($8.91) - hard to put your finger on this one, but it's catchy, fun, and dark simultaneously. Download it if you're daring and ready for something different.

Jersey Dance Syndicate: Bon Jovi Medley ($9.99) - This actually exists. It feels sort of silly listening to "Blood on Blood" with a pulsing dance beat, but there's a place for everything in this world especially when you have $0.99 cents burning a hole in your iTunes account and you've just always wanted a disco version of "In and Out of Love" and a Wham style "Dry County," it's so f-cked up that it's kind of cool. Perfect for those middle aged women motivated while on the treadmill.

"Lonely on the Streets Jersey City" - The Casualties - " track #11 on We Are All We Have ($0.99)

"Being From Jersey Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry" - Cobra Starship - track #1 on While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets - what is it with the convoluted song and album titles on the Fueled by Ramen record label? ($0.99)

"Better Off in Jersey" - Crash Romeo - track #11 on Gave Me the Clap ($0.99)

"Jersey Bounce" - Ella Fitgerald - track #6 on Clap Hands, Here Comes Charlie! ($0.99)

"Bomb New Jersey" - Voltaire - " track #6 on Ooky Spooky  ($0.99)

Hometown Tales ($2.99) app

"Hotel NJ" Starfucker - track #1 on For Crying Out Loud! ($0.99)

Living on the Edge of the World: New Jersey Writers Take On the Garden State by Irina Reyn app/book ($13.99)

WFMU Radio (FREE) app

"Jersey" - Kilogram - track #4 on Nobody Believed ($0.99)

"Sleepin' On Jersey" - Naughty by Nature and Queen Latifah - track #12 on 19 Naughty III ($0.99)

NJ Devils by Alan Braun (FREE)

Weird NJ ($2.99) and Weird NJ Hauntings (FREE) app

"Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey" - Big Swing Face - track #1 on Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey jazz/big band/swing ($0.99)

The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack (9.99)

".../New Jersey" - Gilbert Gottfried track #7 on Dirty Jokes ($0.99)

"The 12 Days of Christmas...Jersey Style" - Cast of Jersey Boys track #9 on Broadway's Carols for a Cure Vol.11 ($0.99)

A New Jersey Story: Continuous Mix by Mr.Chinn - Gary Davis ($9.99)

"10 Coolest Things About New Jersey" - Bloodhound Gang - track #17 on Hooray for Boobies (album only) ($9.99)

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? - George Carlin ($9.99) comedy

"Jersey Born and Livin' On" - Bruce Jovi and The Smoove Sailors ($0.99)

"New Jersey Girl" - Nerf Herder - American Cheese track #12 ($0.99)

"Rime of the Ancient Mariner" - Iron Maiden - Live at IZOD Center 3/14/08 track #9 Flight 666 ($16.99) ALBUM ONLY? WHA WHA WHAT?

"Jersey Shore" - The Architects - track #5 on Vice ($0.99)

Vanity - American Angel -  ($9.99)

Down Jersey: Songs and Stories of Southern Jersey: Jim Albertson ($9.90) - a singer/songwriter who performs songs inspired by NJ. There's also a spoken word piece explaining the origin of the Jersey Devil.

"Jersey Boy" - Eddie Rabbitt - track #9 on Jersey Boy ($0.99)

"Surfin' the Jersey Shore" - The Giraffes - track #6 on franksquilt ($0.99)

"New Jersey is for Dreamers" - Stereo Summer - track #2 on Stereo Summer EP ($0.99)

NJ Pick 6 Lottery report collection by Kulusoft ($1.99)

New Jersey's Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 29: The Polar Express Stops in Maplewood, NJ

If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004's The Polar Express, Santa's elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the "big man" ultimately pusses out because he's the nicest guy in the world.

This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn't even own up to it. Steven repeated "I didn't do it" over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of "I didn't do it" 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. "I didnt do it" oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang's latest track that they recorded just for me "Interrogation Time," because if Steven didn't do then I need some f'n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f'n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!

What's with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there's any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or "nah, f-ck that kid." Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in '83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn't under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don't even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let's just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie's space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I'll say no more. So, if you don't get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.

**There's a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ's place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!

It's a Marshmallow World in my Kitchen!

I had myself a Christmas candy bonanza. As if I don't eat enough junk during the holidays, there was still more to be consumed and reviewed. Unlike Easter, Christmas isn't known for it's superb candy as much as it is cookies, but there are a few items worth inhaling. Read on as I make a marshmallow world of my kitchen.

I kicked off this holiday taste test with the Russell Stover's Maple Cream Santa since it was the most enticing to me. I can't remember if I've ever actually had this flavor before, but after one bite I was immediately seduced by it's heavenly consistency and luscious flavor. If you dig maple flavor anything, then mark my words, you will fall in love with this. If you missed out on Russell Stover Christmas candy, then make sure get one of these suckers next year.

At first glance, this basic run of the mill Russell Stover marshmallow Santa Claus might seem like "schwag," (underworld marshmallow slang term for low grade marshamallow) but as always it was completely satisfying. The marshamallow center was moist and more like a whipped marshmallow, not that odd styrofoam type marshmallow like in mallomars or moon pies. This was like eating chocoate with fluff in the center. What's most apparent is that this basic version is the only one that features an actual mold of Santa Claus, and in comparison to the other pear shaped shit nuggets, this one is actually fairly accurate.

The strawberry cream version was next on the agenda. If you're a fan of strawberry flavor then this will exceed your expectations. The pink filling is moist and the strawberry flavor doesn't taste too artificial, but it's still very sweet of course. Russell Stover seems to have the Christmas candy title all locked up. I'm looking also forward to trying these in dark chocolate, which is my preference, as well as their varieties of mint chocolates.

apparently it IS all pink on the inside

In a fierce contrast to the aforementioned Russell Stovers chocolates, Melster's Cherry Cordial marshmallow reindeer was an gigantic fail. I've read a few other reviews of Melster marshmallow candy and they haven't been favorable either. What are you trying to pull here Melster? This is an outrage. The mold is terrible, it looks like a siamese cat instead of a reindeer! The cherry flavor goes overboard on sweetness, and the marshmallow is way too fluffy and lacking the creaminess of Russell Stovers. You better step up your game Melster or the elves will stage an intervention!

Spirits Are Bright in South Plainfield, NJ

"...you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination." 

- Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

I wonder if the folks over on Ritter Ave in South Plainfield, NJ had some Clark Griswold type inspiration or if they have just accumulated so many lawn decorations over the years that they said "f-ck it"and set them all up on the lawn? Judging by how much work was put into this Christmas display, I'd say these people are pretty damn inspired. The rays of yuletide cheer emanate from this front yard and the snow makes it look even more festive. Take a look at a few pictures I snapped with my iPhone. Look out for the giant size Grinch and Santa Claus blow-ups, and on the doorstep stands animatronic Mr. and Mrs. Claus figures who sing, talk, and dance.

Recently, I came across one of the most amazing websites that has conjured up so many memories from my childhood. Blowmoldsrus.webs.com features a history of illuminated blow mold Christmas decorations as well as a ton of amazing photos. To say that "everyone had these figures" is an understatement, especially because people are still putting out the same lighted Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman figures that that have been putting out for the last 20 - 30 years. Ride around your neighborhood and I bet you'll find at least a couple of houses with lawn decorations that are pictured over at Blow Molds R Us. According to the sites disclaimer, these figures aren't made anymore and it's a shame because they are probably considered antiques at this point. Man, I feel old!

What Will Santa Bring the Nets?

"Ho, Ho, Ho, this isn't the ABA muthaf-ckas!" 

- said Santa Claus when asked about the dismal NJ Nets

That jolly old elf sure as hell ain't bringing them many more wins, that's for sure. I'm about to become an official Nets fan just out of pity. With 2 wins and 26 losses so far this season, the Nets are so unpopular at this point and when things become unpopular, that's when I pounce, what can I say? When only a quarter of the Izod Center is filled for games, maybe it's high time that I stand up and become a proud New Jersey Nets fan? I'm a glutton for punishment so I'm a perfect candidate to enter into this no-win situation. Think of it this way, there are fine folks out there who adopt children who have been deserted by their parents, and I'd be adopting a team whose fans deserted them! It looks like the only way that the New Jersey Nets won't get coal in their stockings this year is if they get their act together and start playing like a full fledged professional basketball team.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday Vol.32: Fist and/or Gas Pumping

"We Don't Pump Our Gas, We Pump Our Fists" & "Jersey Girls Don't Pump Gas"

available at www.BurnTees.com

The theme today on NJ T-Shirt Tuesday is Gas. Not the sort that flatulates out of your bowels, but the kind that seems to fluctuate in price all the time. Coincidentally, New Jersey and Oregon are the only states that prohibit pumping your own gas and I'm fine with that. I couldn't imagine getting out of my car and having to pump my own gas when it's 15 degrees below zero with the wind chill. Call me spoiled, but the only way I'd be OK with doing such a maniacal thing is if I lived in a warm state. Then when it reaches 96 degrees in the summer and I'm freshly showered ready to head off to some swank restaurant like T.G.I Friday's, I don't want to present myself to the hostess beading with sweat. No antiperspirant can contain The Sexy Armpit. So, what do you think? Are you jealous that we don't even have to leave the confines of our car and attendants are required to pump our gas for us? Or do you feel that NJ and Oregon have a good thing going and all the states should adopt the law? How many people think all states should outlaw guido fist pumping?

Alyssa Milano Transforms Into a Jersey Shore Cast Member

Alyssa Milano's Evolution: Jersey Shore from Alyssa Milano courtesy of Funny or Die.com

These Sandwiches are INSANE!!!

Just when you thought you saw it all on Thisiswhyyourefat.com, it's gotten even more extreme on Insanewiches.com. Thanks to @PaxtonHolley from the awesome nostalgia and pop culture blog Cavalcade of Awesome for finding this one. If you haven't paid him a visit yet, now is a fine time to do so because he's got a snow machine pumping on his blog! That's so frigging cool. Can I get a fog machine for The Sexy Armpit? Hmm, that's my mission in 2010. A Fogmaster 5000 for The Sexy Armpit and I'll need to find out who the hell actually ate the Insanewich pictured above! Hopefully they have not gone into cardiac arrest just yet.

NJ Necklace Makes You an Official Guido!

Yes it's true folks, you only need $185 dollars to become an official guido! Thanks to the mighty Robeast Rollie from Beauty and the Robeast for finding this gold New Jersey charm necklace when doing some online shopping recently. Here's the mildly humorous description from the Catbirdnyc.com website:

"New Jersey! Wear it with PRIDE! So tiny, and shiny - lends an unexpected refinement to what is not generally known as the home of refined ladies."

The people who write the item descriptions over at Catbird obviously aced their sarcasm exam. OK, we get the point, they are trying to say that Jersey girls aren't "refined." It's a blanket statement, but if you've watched Jersey Shore, then you obviously know that apparently everyone in the entire country is convinced that Jersey girls are SLUTS! And I'm here to tell you that it's only partly true. You see, most of our girls are slutty, but not official sluts, so there's a distinct difference! I know what you are thinking, "but Jay, how do we know if a girl is an official slut or just slutty?" Well, the answer to that is simple, and can be determined by a line in Kevin Smith's Clerks. You are only an official slut if you have matched or surpassed the bar of "sucking 37 dicks." But you can only be an official guido or complete dork if you actually wear this NJ state charm necklace.

New Jersey's Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 28: Dennis Miller on WWE Raw

WWE Monday Night Raw has taken a nose dive ever since they started with this special guest host garbage. Grabbing low tier celebs in attempts to surge ratings is a piss poor stunt. Whatever happened to improving storylines, actually training talent instead of just throwing them on TV, and instead of bragging about being the "longest running weekly episodic television show in history," a factoid they announce ad nauseum, why not prove it on the show? Monday Night Raw used to have literally epic stuff happening. When WWF was ailing in the mid '90s, before Stone Cold and The Rock brought a big boom back to the wrestling biz, WWF Monday Night Raw was revolutionary wrestling programming. The last few years Raw has plummeted and last Monday's episode did not help to raise the bar.

You too can be guest host of Monday Night Raw, but only if you have something to promote. Dennis Miller was promoting USA Cares, the non profit group that provides financial assistance to military families, which he's the spokesperson for. From a programming standpoint, there was no better time to feature Miller on the show since WWE's Tribute to the Troops airs this week. Also, many viewers watching may be more apt to donate money during the holidays. While I'm on the subject of things unrelated to wrestling, Dennis Miller's weak shtick was chock full of random, forced pop references. Name dropping Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, and MTV's Jersey Shore all in the same joke was kind of a stretch. Half of the fans in the arena in Corpus Christi, Texas that night weren't even alive when Hole was popular. Now Jersey Shore on the other hand really grabs people.

Miller also made another reference to New Jersey as he sent a dig to Mr. McMahon. Miller said "Vince will be at The Chuckle House this Friday, Route 67 in Paramus New Jersey." The best thing about New Jersey is that no matter whether it's Saturday Night Live or WWE Raw, New Jersey almost always provides a winning punchline. I don't care if we are the brunt of all the jokes because it provides me with more fodder.

If you Google "The Chuckle House Paramus New Jersey," you won't find any info on a comedy club in New Jersey. As much the NJ connoisseur that I am, I could not find any info on The Chuckle House. This may have been a comedy club back in the day, or it still operates with absolutely no web presence whatsoever, which is unheard of. Of course, there's the other possibility that Miller just made this joint up out of thin air. Although, in case you were wondering, Route 67 is a real road in NJ.

Instead of being relevant to the wrestling industry, the guest hosts have been B-list celebs and people who aren't even connected with the Raw audience. Wouldn't logic dictate that they should feature WWE HOF wrestlers, managers, valets, and former commentators as guest hosts? I can understand if a celebrity plays into a storyline, but asking a guest host to be on the show just for the hell of it or to get onto more headlines on the Internet is a good ploy, but really f-cking stupid. Since Miller has veered toward politics rather than making people laugh, he seems like an odd choice for guest host. I'm happy they teased the upcoming appearance of Bret "The Hitman" Hart hosting Raw since he's an icon in the business. That leaves me with only one question: Where the f-ck is Craig DeGeorge?!?!?! Now he's my choice for guest host!

Jersey Shore Gets Animated

YouTube user KCSCougar posted this, thanks to my friend Paul for the heads up:

Imaginext: Jersey Devil?

While strolling through the toy aisles at the local Wal-Mart, I came across this Imaginext toy which bared a striking resemblance to a certain cryptid from NJ. I couldn't decide whether Imaginext's Fuzzy Dragon was inspired by The Jersey Devil or a reject puppet from Eureeka's Castle.

The Fisher-Price brand, Imaginext, has done a superb job with their toy line. If I was a kid right now, I'd have their DC Super Heroes, Pirates, and Space toys all on my Christmas wish list. After a full examination of Fuzzy, I snapped some pics with the iPhone and then headed home to continue my investigation. My research lead me to the official Imaginext website where I discovered there was yet another dragon that resembled The Jersey Devil! In fact, they offer an entire line of Dragons!

Here's the Six-legged Dragon:

Sure, Fuzzy and Six-legs can be construed as run of the mill dragons, but with a minor stretch of the imagination, these two dragons can easily qualify as Jersey Devils. Clearly, Fisher-Price did not want to tarnish their awesome toy line with an association to New Jersey.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 31: Apparently, We Go Hard

I cannot tell a lie. I stole this pic off a friends Facebook page. This is a total violation of privacy and a downright shitty thing to do. In fact, I don't even know how I could possibly face this person after I pulled such an irreverent stunt like this. But, when Tuesday rolls around and there's t-shirts that need posting, then drastic measures have to be taken. How much of a jerkoff am I? T H I S M U C H! I don't care though, because according to the tee in the pic above, here in Jersey, we go hard. Dammit, that is such a lame saying, but I guess it's better than going soft!  (face was sludged to protect the innocent)

Schlatter Claus is Comin' to Town!

Can you hear the bells jingling? I sure can. I also hear The Boss singing those iconic lyrics "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout I'm tellin' you why...Schlatter Claus is Comin' to Town...Schlatter Claus is Comin' to Town...Schlatter Claus is Comiiin' toooo town."

During the Christmas season there's plenty of jaded kids all around the world who are questioning the existence of Schlatter Claus. After the short lived Ferris Bueller TV series left a bad taste in people's mouths, Schlatter Claus went into hiding. I really don't know why he was so ashamed of himself, I thought the show was pretty damn good. I remember watching it and that's where I first saw Jennifer Aniston. When Friends became mega popular I used to say, "Hey isn't that Jeannie Bueller?" But, I wouldn't go so far as to say that Jennifer Aniston is more popular than Charlie Schlatter because that would be completely untrue. OK, so Jennifer Aniston makes it onto the front cover of People magazine, big deal. Literally billions of kids around the world write letters and fan mail to Schlatter Claus every year, so I'd say Schlatter Claus wins that one hands down. I also had a huge crush on Ami Dolenz at the time, but I should stay focused or I'll go on a tangent about how funny it would be to have a Monkee for a dad. Alas, I'm here to tell you that Schlatter Claus is 100% f-cking real, and he actually IS coming to town! Well, only if you have a DVD player or Netflix that is.

My man Schlatter Claus was born in Fairlawn, NJ (Englewood, NJ in IMDB), but he's not just stopping in Jersey to drop off gifts, he's making sure he visits all of your homes this Christmas. You don't even have to rely on him coming only ONE day a year because he's starred in a enough memorable '80s TV shows and movies to entertain you, not only during Christmas time, but all year long. His film credits include Bright Lights, Big City, 18 Again (step aside Zack Efron!), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, The Delinquents, and even Miss Cast Away featuring a cameo by Michael Jackson. Schlatter went on to concentrate on doing voice work in animated shows such as playing The Flash in The Batman and Superman:The Animated Series as well as various other characters in cartoons such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Captain Planet & the Planeteers, Kim Possible, Bratz, Butt Ugly Martians, and Loonatics Unleashed. Schlatter Claus also voiced characters in a slew of video games like Spiderman 3, Metal Gear Solid 3, Everquest 2, and Punisher. Remember kids, Schlatter Claus will only come to visit your house if you've been good girls and boys, so you better be good for goodness sake, and that means NOT insulting the Ferris Bueller TV show!

The Beat The Meat Gift Basket Went Over BIG!

My man Matt f'n Porter had the same idea as I did. He left a comment telling me to shoot some video of whoever opens the gift basket, and I was one step ahead of him! I remembered not to leave without my camera! (If you didn't read the previous post, now is a good time.) I was very close to coming home with the latest Rihanna CD, but luckily, someone stole them from me when it was their turn. I applauded the guy who wanted to take them off my hands. Yeah, seriously...it was a guy. It was time for me to open another gift and so I took home a bunch of scratch off lotto tickets that scored me $13 dollars, so that wasn't a bad deal. Now check out how the BTM gift basket went over:

*The Sexy Armpit's Twitter account background has been redesigned. It's not a major overhaul or anything, but if you are a perceptive one then you will notice it's new and improved sheen.

*There will be several more posts coming to you from The Sexy Armpit before Christmas so come back again this week!

Someone Will Get This Tonight...

Is this classy, or what? This is how we do it in Jersey.

I'm basically a hermit, so asking me to go to your gift swapping party is almost like asking me to venture into the massive crowd in Times Square on New Year's Eve. I wouldn't say I have a case of social anxiety, but I'm definitely the polar opposite of Randal Graves in Clerks, who hates people but loves gatherings.

What you see above is The Sexy Armpit's "Beat The Meat" gift basket, and one unsuspecting guest will tear open a ghetto looking package wrapped in A Christmas Story paper, only to see that this is their gift. I'm seriously hoping some random middle aged woman with a reindeer sweater winds up being the recipient of this, the ultimate gift basket.

The BTM gift basket's versatility proves to be the mark of just how amazing this gift really is. If a dude is lucky enough to pick the number and rip into this one, he'll most likely be ecstatic. If a chick opens this, she'll most likely say "Oh my gawd...I've been meaning to buy a meat tenduhryza!" (That's apparently how we talk here in Jersey) and be genuinely excited to have another kitchen utensil to add to their collection. But then there's other girls who will nonchalantly mumble a raunchy comment about how they could take the entire summer sausage with no problems, and then, naturally, saying "I'm just kidding!..." but they aren't. If an older woman gets the basket, they'll most likely be fairly disgusted at how smutty of an idea this was and whoever came up with it should burn in hell, even in this time of joy and peace. Ahh well, they'll make the sign of the cross and then it'll be done with, all the while remembering fondly their college days when they were able to take 2 of those summer sausages with ease. If an older guy gets the BTM gift basket, without hesitation, he'll be making his way to the DVD player as soon as the other people start concentrating on the next person opening their gift. After that, he's in the bathroom doing himself dirty. Finally, I just hope there's no kids opening presents tonight, but their parents have probably been meaning to give them "the talk," and they'll be seeing it sooner or later anyway.

So, if you go to any gift swapping parties this year, remember to give the gift of meat and breasts this holiday season with The Sexy Armpit's "Beat The Meat" gift basket.

Randy "The Ram" Robinson, Caricature by Kirsten Ulve

"Fresh as monkey's breath, brother!" - Randy "The Ram" Robinson

If you have watched HBO in the past few weeks, you probably witnessed about 962 airings of The Wrestler. I'm not complaining at all since the 2008 drama is one of my favorite films ever. Not only is it a Jersey film, but it's also one of Mickey Rourke's grandest achievements as an actor.

Posted above is artist Kirsten Ulve's caricature of Randy "The Ram" Robinson in his ring attire which was printed in the November 8th '08 issue of Entertainment Weekly. If you would like to check out some awe inspiring art, make a stop at Kirsten Ulve's website. There you'll find galleries of her illustrations and caricatures, all of which define the term eye candy. www.kirstenulve.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 30: House

Yet another TV series set in New Jersey is the medical drama, House, starring Hugh Laurie. We can thank producer and former West Windsor, NJ resident, Bryan Singer, for its Princeton, NJ setting. Singer, the producer and director responsible for such films as The Usual Suspects, X-Men, and Superman Returns, graduated from West Windsor-Plainsboro High School South in 1984. IMDB reports that some of his future film projects include Battlestar Galactica and Excalibur.

This Princeton-Plansboro Teaching Hospital T-shirt is a must have for fans of the series. Although the series is filmed in Los Angeles, CA, Princeton University's Frist Campus Center has been used for the external shots and aerial views of the show's fictional teaching hospital. This tee can be found at the NBC Universal store.

In addition to the aerial shots in Princeton, Wikipedia states that scenes set in the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital in Season 6 of House, were filmed at the abandoned Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital in Parsipanny-Troy Hills, NJ.

New Jersey's Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 27: Anger Management

Jack Nicholson should never retire from acting. In the case that he does feel like hanging up that devilish, 10 mile wide smile of his and quit the acting biz, then I'd absolutely love for him to begin offering anger management therapy for all of us enraged, pent up, people from Jersey. I could deal without stopping my car in the middle of a bridge and singing "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story, but perhaps since Jack's a fellow Jersey guy, he'd be able to offer me some insight. The deep breath and count to 10 thing just ain't cuttin' it. I'll settle for just watching the DVD of Anger Management, which proves to be an amusing distraction, albeit, one that can only momentarily remedy my agitation.

Premiering to mixed reviews, I feel that Anger Management succeeds thanks to its fine cast including Sandler, Nicholson, the ever sexy Marisa Tomei, Woody Harrelson, Kevin Nealon, John Turturro, Luis Guzman and a host of awesome cameos. To top it off, they even managed to throw in a reference to New Jersey! In this scene, Andrew (Allen Covert), a well endowed douchebag who's crazy about Marisa Tomei, is enjoying a drink with her as Dave (Sandler) walks into the bar:

DAVE: "...Not that crowded here tonight, you would think it would be packed."

ANDREW: "Actually, I rented the place out. I just figured it would be more fun if it was just us Brown alumni. Where did you go to college again, Dave?"

DAVE: "Trenton Community College."

While there are several colleges in Trenton, such as Mercer County Community College and Thomas Edison State College, there is no actual school named Trenton Community College. Before changing its name to The College of New Jersey and moving to Ewing, NJ, it was named Trenton State College.

I identified with this film, because all Dave (Sandler) needed to do to avoid getting wrapped up in anger therapy was know how to keep his mouth shut. To the surprise of no one, that is something that Jersey people have an insanely hard time doing. Growing up, all I heard from teachers, and on TV was that we need to "express ourselves," and "speak our minds," because after all, "you are entitled to your opinion!" Then the minute we open our mouths to do that we're automatically accused of being rabble-rousers. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't take an anger management class if Jack Nicholson was teaching it in full Joker makeup and costume. Well, that's a blatant lie and a total exaggeration. But not having some sort of edge or chip on your shoulder sort of seems like you might as well be spayed or neutered.

Nicholson grew up in Neptune City, NJ and attended Manasquan High School so it would be a fine way to give back to the community. I could see Jack now in his slyest demeanor...

JACK: "Does anyone have any questions about today's lesson?"

STUDENT: "Yeah I do...what about that time you were on a murderous bloodthirsty rampage holding an axe and trying to kill the innocent Shelly Duvall? You seemed really fucking incensed! What was that all about?"

JACK: "Acting my good man...merely some fine acting. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 29: Richie Sambora - You Can Go Home

Jon Bon Jovi is a philanthropy snob. Obviously, there are worse things one can be, like perhaps the lead singer of a New Jersey rock band who now sounds like he's a cowboy from Tennessee. How do you think the laid back, good time guitarist Richie Sambora feels every time Jon Bon Jovi donates $385 bazillion dollars to charity? It seems insurmountable to live up to that lofty standard, but Richie's latest endeavor is quite praiseworthy.

Recently, Richie Sambora created You Can Go Home, a fundraising campaign for Kelly Mahon, a Woodbridge High School student in New Jersey who is afflicted with a brain tumor. Richie is one of the only celebrities ever to graduate from Woodbridge High School (besides me of course) and he felt compelled to give back to his hometown. According to the official You Can Go Home website, the original campaign raised over $75,000 for Kelly's family which helped offset the tremendous medical bills.

For nearly two years, Kelly has been confined to the hospital for the majority of the time, but is now cleared to go home for overnight visits. In preparation for Kelly's visits back home, The Mahon Family needed to renovate their entire house for wheelchair accessibility. Sambora personally financed all the renovations so Kelly could be reunited with her family in their home for the first time since she was admitted to the hospital in 2007.

Richie Sambora is offering a line of merch and the profits from which will provide further funding to aid Kelly in her recovery. Even if you're not a Bon Jovi fan, this is for a good cause so head over to the website and make a purchase!

http://www.youcangohomestore.com