Top 10 Best Sexy Armpit Moments of 2011

Plenty of sights brag about their amazing accomplishments. It's pretty damn easy to kiss your own ass. Almost weekly I come across a post that states something to the effect of "We are celebrating a bajillion hits! YAY FOR US!" The Sexy Armpit does indeed celebrate it's yearly birthday, but other than that we try to keep the boasting to a minimum because it gets annoying. On the other hand though, I do toot my own horn because blogging doesn't yield many benefits. Aside from a degree of personal satisfaction, and the occasional media review copy, blogging is simply a lot of work. With that said, allow me to repay myself for all that hard work as I steal a few minutes of your time exploiting the BEST Sexy Armpit moments of 2011! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

10. Showered With Deb and Hilly! - OK So I didn't actually take a shower with them, it was more like I showered them...with my adoration. The Chiller Theatre Convention in Spring 2011 featured Judie Aronson and Suzanne Snyder (the girls from Weird Science) and as I stood sandwiched in between these ladies, for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a total dick.

9. My Kick Buttowski Halloween Costume! - Every year for Halloween I have to feel some sort of inspiration or else I won't dress up. This year I became my favorite child daredevil from the Disney XD cartoon Kick Buttowski.

8. The Sexy Armpit Turns 8 Years Old! - It sounds like a really long time to be blogging but I've actually been running websites since the year 2000 which at one time would sound futuristic, but now just makes me a relic! Can you say Geocities?

7. Appeared On The Nerd Lunch Podcast! - It was definitely cool to be a guest on Nerd Lunch. Being on their podcast was a lot different than my former career in rock radio and then doing some podcasting of my own, but it was still a blast!

6. Interviewed By Geof At The Man Cave! - I was able to hang with my friends Geof and Dan at Monster Mania this year and they filmed an interview with me for The Man Cave. I had a lot of fun and it was very cool that they asked me to be on!

5. Oh Yeah, I Wrote Some More Articles - If you liked The Wrestler you should read this. If you were a fan of Macho Man Randy Savage you should read this. If you bought tickets to see Sammi Curr back in the day, read this. Fans of Transformers should read this while fans of G.I Joe might want to read this and this. Finally, if you're going to take part in the All-Valley Karate tournament, then you might be interested in this.

4. New and Improved Sexy Armpit T-Shirts! - I bought a few for myself! They are available now on Red Bubble right HERE!

3. Interviewed on Star Ledger Live on NJ.com! - Brian Donohue's online video show is part of The Star Ledger and NJ.com and he invited me on to talk about my article Gotham City, NJ? to coincide with the filming of The Dark Knight Rises in Newark.

2. Premiered Two Sexy Armpit Shorts For Our YouTube Channel! Watch Get Sludgey to The Starland and The Sexy Armpit Halloween Special 2011.

1. The Sexy Armpit Got Its Own Theme Song! - Our friends, NJ's retro inspired rockers Lipstick and Cigarettes whipped up the perfect theme song for our upcoming YouTube series! This list has a lot of cool entries, but like my friend Lori said, "...there's nothing cooler than having your own theme song!" Click the link to watch the band perform it live!

A Theme: What I Want For Christmas

Stealing from a couple of classic Christmas movies and songs, there are a few ways I can start this. Mrs. Shields wanted us to write a theme so here goes or if anyone wants any last minute gift ideas for me, (that means YOU Cousin Eddie) and there's also the Tenacious D/Sum 41 song "Hey now Santa I'm writing to you cause there's a lot of cool shit I want..." Either way, like Bob & Doug said, "There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck":

Dear Santa,


These are just a few of the things I want. I know I can't have them all, but if I don't write them down I might forget. Would you mind keeping these on file for next year in case you can't make one or two of them happen? Thank you, and you can be sure we'll leave some good shit for you in case you have the munchies.


Sincerely,


The Sexy Armpit

1) The He-Man Power Sword - offered by Toonseum and Filmation, it was the actual sword He-Man used on the float at the 1986 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

2) A flyby from TokiDoki Tattoo Barbie in her Barbie Glamour Jet - Please instruct her to blow me a kiss before she drops a huge shipment of Margaritaville Salsa.

 

3) Rhonda Shear and Up All Night is making a comeback - you can check that one off the list

4) Force Chris Collinsworth into retirement from sportscasting

5) Convince Hef to Let The Sexy Armpit Re-Open The Great Gorge Playboy Club in NJ
In this Christmas wish the old Playboy Club in New Jersey is back in action, and it's rocking better than ever. Hugh personally tapped me to be in charge of it. On one cold Friday night I'm chilling in a hot tub sipping Bubble Gum flavored Kool Aid that Amber Heard served to me in her bunny outfit. To my right is Katy Perry in Rainbow Brite getup. The Bella Twins are laying behind me sprawled out on the deck whispering cute little flirtations into my ear and giggling while sipping a moderately priced champagne. To the left of me is my pal Larry Dallas who's cracking me up while his on again off again lady friend Princess Giselle looks on with a smile in awe. Providing tunes up on the nearby stage is none other than Prince who just invited Meatwad to join him for a duet of "Little Red Corvette."

Louis Tully stands by in pajamas with feet and his earmuffs on grasping his canon and saturating us with pink mood slime. Seconds later the record scratches as the maniacal Purple Pie Man crashes the party. We thought he was going to wreak havoc, but he just had a huge blowout with Sour Grapes and wanted to come see if Raspberry Tart and her pet monkey wanted to get into some late night mischief. After some mind altering experiences we take the Batplane to Houlihans and enjoy a shitlaod of their delectable So. Cal Fish Tacos. I can't stay out too late though because I have a mini-golf outing planned the next morning with Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein. I need to be on point because he's a bad ass on the course.

6) CGI Danny Devito as a normal Penguin into Batman Returns
I tend to watch Batman Returns during Christmas time and as much as I love Tim Burton I always feel like it needs a lot of improvement. What I'd really love to see with modern computer technology is a revamped version that makes it more of a traditional Batman film. One of the making of documentaries explained that Burton was hesitant to do a sequel to Batman but was coerced into it when the WB big-wigs said he could "make it a Tim Burton movie." That's what makes Batman Returns so different than Batman. There would be more of a connection to the first movie if it wasn't so warped. Penguin never had flippers for hands or ate raw fish right out of it's scaly body. He was a little rich pipsqueak. There's a lot of haters of the '60s Batman show, but Burgess Meredith really nailed the original vision of The Penguin. I know that Burton's freakish take on The Penguin was just an alternate way to see the character, but I think making DeVito's Penguin more like the Batman Returns figure that was released by Kenner would've made a better Bat-film.

7) Goldust vs. Cody Rhodes

Sure I'd love to see Stone Cold or Jericho come back to fight CM Punk, but there's also lots of talk on Twitter trying to gear up for this family feud. I'm instigating it as well. I was never really a fan of Dustin until he premiered the character Goldust in WWE in 1995. I immediately became obsessed with his bizarre ways. I went so far as to dress up as him for our backyard wrestling events, face paint and all. I creeped out all my friends. My first ever AOL screen name was even Goldust1. To see him make a comeback against his brother Cody would be awesome, especially with that kickass classic white Intercontinental title on the line! Make it happen WWE!

A New Jersey Christmas Card by David Price

A New Jersey Christmas by Allport Cards

Mother Armpit found these cards for me when she was out shopping. Don't moms always find the best stuff? These limited edition cards are 100% sustainable and made in the USA by Allport Cards in Oregon. A portion of the profits from the cards go to charitable causes. In case you were getting jealous, several other states are available as well as other variations such as wine lovers, Shakespeare lovers, etc, but the NJ card is a best seller according to the Allport site. The art by David Price was done with pen and ink on paper and you can check out his other work that appears on cards and towels here.

Elizabeth Gillies is December's Garden State Playmate

Santa Claus informed me that he has too many good girls and boys to deliver to this year so he won't have time to visit The Sexy Armpit. The good news is that he's dropping off our present early this year. It's New Jersey native Elizabeth Gillies, one of the stars of Nickelodeon's Victorious. Don't get all up in arms...she's 18.

Looks-wise, Gillies is reminiscent of a young Lindsay Lohan before the skankiness and the drugs. Lohan starred in the film Mean Girls while Gillies just plays one on TV, but the similarities end there. As bitchy Jade West on Victorious, her goth punk stylings would've made me putty in her hand if I was a kid. Jade certainly has an attitude problem, but those blue-green eyes give her a pass. Those colored streaks in her hair, her piercings, tattoos, ohhh...and her fixation for scissors - be still my beating heart!

If you ever catch Victorious, you'll see that Gillies is cast perfectly in her role and it's obvious she's going to become a big star. Gillies also appeared in the 2008 film Harold and some of her other TV credits include The Black Donnellys and White Collar. She grew up in Haworth, NJ and attended Northern Valley Regional High School in Demarest, NJ.

Victorious: "A Christmas Tori: It's Not Christmas Without You"
Get More: Victorious Episodes,Victorious,Victorious Games

If Disney Made MTV's Jersey Shore

Stumbled onto this parody while on YouTube. Many of you might just say..."wow, this user has too much time on their hands," but xXCaraTabrettXx actually did a pretty damn good job. I'm surprised Disney hasn't yanked it off yet.

A Jersey Christmas Review

Remember those family gatherings when someone at the dinner table would caution everyone not to discuss politics and religion? Well the 2008 film A Jersey Christmas obviously didn't heed that warning because its abundant racial and moral commentary spoils this festivus for the rest of us.

My intention is always to give credit to indie filmmakers, not to needlessly rip them like some a-hole critics who know nothing about films anyway. Making an actual film that doesn't look like it was slapped together accidentally by a 3 year old on his parents iPhone is a huge undertaking, and even if the movie sucks, most young directors and cast deserve an A for effort at the very least. If I was only judging it on effort, A Jersey Christmas would receive and A+ with a possible induction to the National Honor Society. Unfortunately, it boils down to one question for me: Will I ever want to watch it again? The answer is no, although, if some tweaks were made I'd make it part of my annual Christmas viewing tradition.

Clerks influence on indie filmmakers based in New Jersey is apparent since the story centers around a group of Christmas store employees. Kevin Smith would have a field day writing a film about this place because it's way more diverse than the local Quick Stop. Coincidentally, mostly all of The Xmas-O-Rama employees don't celebrate Christmas because of their various religious backgrounds. There's a Jewish guy, a reformed Jewish girl, an Indian girl, an Arab, and a former Christian gay male who graduated from Rutgers with a masters in American Literature because he "likes to read." The gist of the story focuses on how Christmas is viewed in the eyes of non-Christian twentysomethings. The group discovers that even though they express jealousy and frustration about the holiday, they are all brought together by the Christmas spirit.

As described on IMDB, "degenerate gambler" Mike Malcolm (James Villemaire) is in deep debt (or shit as we say here in Jersey) and owes a couple of thugs a lot of money. He runs a Christmas store to try to recoup some cash to pay his debts, but winds up screwing his employees out of several weeks pay. The action takes place on Christmas Eve when he demands that the store stay open until midnight to intercept last minute shoppers. Malcolm escapes to a poker game to try to win back some of his losses while the diverse crew at the Christmas store works late and hashes out their differences in religion, thoughts on Christmas, and even share some romantic moments.

I guess I was expecting something with a little more wacky hijinks. Often, the film teetered on the verge of being fun, but never officially made the jump. Sadly, the dialogue is so dumbed down and the characters refer to being Jewish and Arabic excessively. A Jersey Christmas would've benefited from making the racial/religious differences a minor theme instead of the main attraction. Regardless of these flaws, the cast is surprisingly natural and talented for a bunch of predominantly unknown actors. Anitha Gandhi and James Villemaire's performances resonated with me.

Villemaire, who seems to be attempting to channel a young Mickey Rourke or Bruce Willis in this film, also co-directs with Eric Weber. Weber wrote the film, but I think it should've stayed on paper rather than been brought to life as a movie. This is the type of film that could be shown in college classes studying religious or racial tolerance; not so much the light hearted Christmas movie based in Jersey that I was hoping for. Ultimately, there really aren't any similarities to Kevin Smith's Clerks, but there should've been. I for one wouldn't mind seeing a Christmas styled knockoff of Clerks. In that case the racial and religious references would be welcome. Snoogans.

What keeps me from ripping A Jersey Christmas is the fact that the film isn't necessarily funny, but it's not heart wrenching or dramatic either. Being middle of the road is it's best attribute, since it would've totally lost my attention if it got bogged down in too much drama. This is one film you should only sink your time into if you just dig indie movies, or you have a serious obsession for all things Jersey like The Sexy Armpit does.

Since the production company, Tenafly Films, is named after a city in New Jersey, they not only filmed  on location in Bergen County, NJ but they also infused plenty of Jersey shout-outs into the movie. Among others there were mentions of Garden State Plaza Mall, Kearny, Hackensack, and the Elmwood Park Diner.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 90: The Misfits For Christmas!

The Grinch is a mean one...and a FIEND!!!

It's never been depicted on a map and Santa Claus isn't even aware of it, but right beside the Island of Misfit Toys lies the Island of Fiends. Everyone who resides there is covered in ghoulish fiend makeup and Misfits songs are piped through speakers all over the island. During Christmas you might see a lot of people wearing these holiday themed Misfits t-shirts. The first one features a fiendish creature who bares a resemblance to The Grinch and is rocking a skeleton jacket and gloves. We know The Grinch is a humbug, but who knew he was such a punk?

 

The Misfits Santa T-Shirt

What do you think this scary Santa will leave for you under your tree? Maybe The Misfits latest album The Devil's Rain? I'd like to have The Misfits record a cover of "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year" from the scene on the Island of Misfit Toys in Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer specifically for me!

New Jersey's Great Pop Culture Moments 62: Christmas Evil

I hope you're not planning on asking Santa for a lifetime subscription to Penthouse magazine or you're in for it. Released the same year as To All a Good Night, Christmas Evil is the true classic of Christmas horror films. If Psycho and Halloween are looked at as pioneering films in the genre, Christmas Evil holds the same honor when it comes to Christmas horror movies. Don't get me wrong, I still love Silent Night, Deadly Night, but the majority of Christmas Evil was actually filmed right here in New Jersey. Originally released as You Better Watch Out and also known as Terror in Toyland, this largely overlooked horror movie offers dark humor and a creepy, yet yuletide atmosphere.

 

Can you dig it? Santa traded in his sleigh for a custom van!

It's a familiar story, one that has been copied numerous times after the release of both Christmas Evil and To All a Good Night. At the time in 1980, these two films just seemed like cheap throwaway horror film gimmicks, but to many horror film buffs they are classics now.

You can read about Christmas Evil all over the Internet, but the basic gist of it is that on Christmas 1947 little Harry loses his shit and starts cutting himself after witnessing Santa Claus getting naughty with his mother. When Harry realizes it was his father under the Santa suit he grows up wanting to be like the Santa he thought existed. Fast forward to his adult years, Harry has become straight up obsessed with Christmas and becoming Santa. He even keeps a book of all the good and bad kids around town. Dressed as Santa, Harry begins to go on a rampage around town to right all the wrongs he's witnessed in various ways. The difference about this film and other Santa slashers is that Harry is actually playing a moral judge, he's just not going around hacking up everyone in his path.

In the horror sub genre of Christmas or Holiday horror films, there aren't too many that are worth revisiting. Christmas Evil is the type of perennial classic that you can go back to in the same way you re-watch A Christmas Story and How The Grinch Stole Christmas every holiday season. Every time I watch it I wonder why it hasn't been labelled the quintessential Christmas horror movie yet. Is Silent Night Deadly Night better? I don't think it is and neither do my fellow bloggers:

"It's one of my favorite film endings of all time, the absolute perfect end cap to what is a madly magical film." - Freddy in Space

"...the pedigree of most holiday-themed slasher movies isn't very high, but Christmas Evil is pretty exceptional." As perfectly summed up at Marcus' Movie Life

And while I disagree with his Silent Night Deadly Night sentiment, I tend to agree with Charles Tatum's Review overall which states that "Christmas Evil belongs just below Gremlins and Black Christmas and well above Elves and the moronic Silent Night Deadly Night when it comes to the unique Christmas horror genre."

After a little girl says to him "Santa, your shirt's dirty," Harry replies "There's a...a lot of pollution between here and the North Pole." That sure is true, and although it's never claimed outright in the film, the story itself takes place in suburban New Jersey. At least from my countless viewings over the years, aside from a couple of glimpses of NJ license plates, Christmas Evil doesn't mention the state except for thanking Montclair and Glen Ridge in the closing credits.

Also check out Christmas Evil at one of our favorite horror blogs, Kindertrauma!

Crazy Christmas Cavalcade From Quasi Interesting Paraphenalia Inc.

I'm a long time reader of David W.'s blog, Quasi Interesting Paraphernalia Inc. There you'll find a blend of nostalgia, pop culture, vintage books, ads, and brochures, as well as original works from David as well. To get his readers into the holiday spirit he's decorated the blog with a How The Grinch Stole Christmas theme and he's also gone and done a little something special. Check out David's original series of holiday video shorts he's producing called the Crazy Christmas Cavalcade at his YouTube page! The first installment is posted above. It brought back memories for me and it was really funny. I can't wait for the next one! Great job David!

Jersey Shornaments

Vinny, Sammie, J-Woww, Snooki, and Situation all had a nice run on MTV's Jersey Shore. With the low attention span of the public eye and the constant need for something new, It seems that Jersey Shore peaked before heading off to Italy. This doesn't mean that next season won't score high ratings, it just means that the novelty is about to wear off, and I'm thankful for that.

Considering that more than half of the cast isn't even from New Jersey the authenticity is shot down. Several seasons into the show the entire country now believes that these people represent New Jersey. Here's the rundown: The Situation was born in Staten Island and grew up in New Jersey, Sammi is from Hazlet NJ, and late to the party is Deena from New Egypt NJ. 

It's not about being proud that I was born and bred in New Jersey, it's more about the fact that people throughout Jersey are JERSEY...these people are not. The fact that much of the cast is from Staten Island and New York is a pretty good indication of the type of demographic that visits the Jersey shore. The stereotypes we are being punished with stemming from this show should actually be transferred to the out- of-towners who give us a bad rap.

After all of that, how could I bring myself to put Jersey Shore ornaments on my Christmas tree? I'd love to know how many people around the world have these on their trees this year! If you have one let us know in the comments!